What’s in the Bag?
Written by Staff on February 12, 2024
What’s in the Bag? – by Liam Sweeny.
You know how in emergency rooms, they all have a story about what they had to pull out “from up there?” You figure Customs and Border Patrol probably has the same thing, right? Maybe not as glamourous as a full-sized MagLite, but still interesting. With this, though, I think CBP has the emergency rooms beat.
So Boston, dog smells something fishy in a guy’s luggage, and he gets brought aside to reveal that yes, he does have fish. Unfortunately, when they searched his bags, they found more than just fish. They found the desiccated heads and bodies of four monkeys. Basically monkey mummies.
So of course, his plan was to eat them. Raw, or minimally processed wild game is called “bushmeat,” and it’s a delicacy for some. But this stuff was coming from the Democratic Republic of Congo. You know what else comes from there? E Bola. And bushmeat is a great place to get that nasty little virus.
So they didn’t arrest him or anything, just took the nine pounds of bush meat and sent it for incineration by the CDC.
Monkeys? Really? Didn’t this guy ever see “Koko”? Think knew two-three thousand words. I’m sure “Don’t”, “eat”, and “me,” were three of them. I don’t know how you eat a monkey and not be at least a quarter-cannibal. Let me guess; he used to have cousins, but not no more. He thought Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a coming-of-age flick.
I really don’t know how the CBP didn’t just arrest the guy, even fine him something. Everybody knows you can’t bring monkey mummies into the country. You’d have a better chance with shrunken human heads. At least there’s no E Bola in Central and South America (that we know of.) Let’s just assume that we no longer care about creedy shit coming across the border.
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