…2..3..4 – An Xperience Column

“Quiet Please”

By Chris Busone.

“It takes two years to learn to speak and sixty to learn to keep quiet.”

That from renowned author, big game hunter, and imbiber of intoxicating fluids, Ernest Hemingway. A man who never met a marlin or female war correspondent that he didn’t want to stick his hook into. But as I read it, the Old Sea-man’s quote led me down a pondering pathway of my own, from which a series of questions arose.

Have we become a society of individuals completely convinced that the huddled hungry masses are starved for our opinions on any and all subjects? Even if (and often especially if) we have zero knowledge of the topic at hand? Have we become so self-involved that we are incapable of having a thought without expressing it? Have we lost the fine art of shutting the f*** up?

Well, let me give you my thoughts on that. 

That’s right, Shecky. Before you jump up on the seat of your chair and start screaming, “Yea but! Yea but! You have this column!!” Yes. Yes, I do. I have this monthly spring cleaning of the BBs that constantly rattle around in my head, which serves nicely as a release valve for my unquenchable desire to share my thoughts, my very essence of being, and yes, finally, SPEAK MY TRUTH! (Although, truth be told, hardly any of this is ever 100% true … 60/40 at best.) 

As I pondered these questions, my immediate reaction (and I’m guessing some of your jerky knees) led me to conclude that it is Social Media – that overbearing, under regulated, scourge of the Wifi and Inter-Web waves, that perverter of youthful minds, and purveyor of impure thoughts – that is to blame for this long-winded affliction from which we currently suffer. But that seemed a little too convenient an answer for me. I smell a verbose rodent. 

So as I dutifully drilled down a little deeper, I began to notice a subtle but persistent thread, a Da Vinci Code of hidden facts and artifacts, if you will, that seemed to explain our loquacious tendencies more accurately. The pieces meshed together only if you looked deeply into the underbelly of the issue with a honed, discerning, investigative eye and dogged determination. Only then could you assess the data in a way as to identify the true culprit and expose them for who they really are. And the answer was right there all along.  

There’s just a lot of a$$holes out there. 

Now, you can blame big bad Social Media for giving those a$$holes a platform to spread their horsesh!t to the masses, and you won’t hear a complaint from me. There are those who use social media like a modern-day Johnny Appleseed, strolling aimlessly from site to site, post to post, spreading their nonsense throughout the land. (And BTW, what if I don’t want apple trees on my property, Johnny? How about you keep your freakin’ seeds in your pocket and just move on down the road before I get the USDA on your ass, you bounder.) 

But let me be clear, all of this is not to say that everyone isn’t entitled to their own opinion; they most certainly are. But you are also endowed with the unalienable right to keep it to yourself sometimes, because the rest of us are entitled to not have to see your gibberish on our posts or hear it interrupting our conversations. But again, to be clear, you have the right to converse about and post whatever you like. Just as it is my right to happily scroll past or block your comments or use them as a hilarious party favor to mock you in a crowd of people. 

Now, to my way of thinking, there are two types of offenders in this scenario. The first is just your run-of-the-mill gasbag who can’t keep their mouth shut and thinks they need to tell everyone their thoughts on politics, music, sports, how other people are raising their kids, and any other subject that someone else brings up. They do this at a profoundly loud volume (when did we all start talking so loudly) in an attempt to seem intelligent, while confident that we all await, with our breath duly baited, their pearly wisdoms. But if that’s the only way you can make yourself feel smart, Shecky, chances are you’re what Bugs Bunny used to refer to as a nimrod. So quiet down, and maybe we’ll get ice cream later. (That’s right, our greatest weapon against these wankers is condescension.)

But while our first type gloms onto others’ original thoughts with their Hot Takes (God, I hate that expression) and memorized soundbites from their news outlet of choice, the second is much bolder. This one takes center stage and presents their own misguided, misleading, sleight of tongue in an attempt to sway others to their way of thinking. Their game is to utilize bombastic oration and wildly inaccurate “facts” which they continue to say loud enough and often enough in hopes that they will become imprinted on the weak-minded and forever be repeated by Nimrod Number One. And sadly, this works really, really well. 

You can hear these numbnuts spewing this stuff all over, and when you stop and ask them what one memorized morsel means, they answer with another. It’s genuinely hilarious and alarming all at once.  

Let’s take, for example, the biggest vehicle with which this particular type of crap is currently disseminated. The podcast.  Anyone from a B-level comic, who started a podcast out of desperation because his career was on the skids (and predictably, the more ridiculous his rhetoric, the more people took him seriously), to any schmoe who orders a laptop and a mic from Amazon can have their own podcast. 

And via this homemade BS catapult, these (for the most part) unlicensed, unvetted, unbelievably uninteresting people can expound any and all their views, reviews, and muses for anyone to hear, no matter how offensive or moronic. 

But honestly, I don’t think they believe half of what comes out of their mouths on any given day. It’s all just for clicks and views. But it’s their right to say it. And it’s Spotify’s and any other outlet’s right to broadcast it. But Jesus Henry Christ are people seriously basing their belief system on what some f***ing failed actors and comics, or a former UFC interviewer, says?!! This is where all this becomes troublesome. And while I’ve never minded a reasonable amount of trouble, this sh!t is getting out of hand. And it all makes my point for me that the “shutting the hell up” thing would really help out here.

Because it is my belief that it all starts with people who are just convinced that we all need to hear their saucy slant on every subject imaginable. And for the record, folks, we don’t. 

When my Dad was speaking to someone or about to perform some task, and his youngest son piped up with, “Hey Dad, wanna know what I think?” he would turn to me and say, “No.” Then, after a few beats, he’d laugh and say, “Okay, go ahead.” Now, while that fleeting moment of iciness may seem a little harsh to some, that feeling taught me a valuable lesson that not everyone always wants or needs to hear your thoughts. And for good reason. Because, quite honestly, my Dad didn’t need a nine-year-old’s take on how to fix the garage door. 

So what’s the thrust here? I guess that it’s not Social Media per se, or podcasts, or talk shows that caused this issue. They simply watered it, fed it, and put it in an area that gets all the good light in the afternoon. The real reason is what it’s always been. Us.

There is a large portion of us who need, nay crave, constant interaction and attention to survive and will say anything to anyone on any subject on any platform to get their fix of mingling with the masses. And I guess that’s not so bad. As long as you do it quietly … and over there somewhere. 

So in conclusion, dear reader, while I usually ask that you count along with me in a resounding closure at the end of each monthly featured piece, let us count silently to ourselves this month in hopes to quell the clamor and rejoice in the silence … OH SCREW IT GIVE A BIG A$$ 2…3…4!!!!

(That felt good, didn’t it? Now let me tell you what I think about candy corn … don’t even get me started on that stuff …)