The Eddies Award Acceptance Speech That Rob Smittix Never Got To Give

It was good seeing so many friends at The Eddies 04/30/2023. Congratulations to the winners and to everyone who was nominated. I was nominated for Radio DJ of the year and I appreciate being recognized for all of my hard work. I didn’t win and I don’t really care about awards but I would’ve given a phenomenal speech, that’s for sure.

I had a whole speech planned out if I was going to win. Just kidding but I probably would’ve said something like this.

“First and foremost I’d like to thank the man upstairs, except I’m not sure if he’s a man. I can’t assume God isn’t a Goddess. Besides shouldn’t God have a wife? He definitely should. Maybe God isn’t the God you’re envisioning. Maybe polytheism is the truth and I should be thanking many Gods for this award. How long do I got? Oh, I have 1:45 left. And then there’s the ancient alien theory that Gods are just visitors from other worlds or maybe even time travelers from our very own world. Like as if we were the aliens ourselves. Isn’t that wild to think about? It’s not even thinking as much as it is pondering. Which reminds me, I think I miss Ponderosa. Was it even any good? I only remember going there as a kid. They had the first salad bar I’d ever seen in my life. I don’t think they invented the salad bar though but I could be wrong, I need to look into that. Anyway as I was saying I want to thank pretty much everyone for this award. How much time do I got? 1:10 Damn okay well I’m not got to thank everyone then but almost everyone. I’d like to thank the angels who invented music for changing my life and all of our lives for that matter. Thank you to all the Moms out there for taking the time to have kids and letting them listen to your record collection. Well not so much anymore. Well that’s not true Record Store Day had a line wrapping around the corner. So people buy records but do they all have record players? Pondering again. How much time left? :45 No that’s not possible. Well maybe it is. Maybe I talk slower at times and faster at others. Maybe it’s like that Buster Douglas vs Mike Tyson fight when they counted really slow while Douglas was down but really fast when Tyson finally hit the ground. Anyway I want to say Thank you for all the thank yous I should have given in my life. Like women like to send thank you notes to people and I respect that but us guys just can’t seem to get to the post office to mail em out anyway. I really should buy some stamps. I don’t know is it cheaper to buy the envelope with the stamp built into it? Oh that’s my time I guess, they really should give you more time, oh well.”

For now my shelf has nothing but participation trophies. lol. -Rob Smittix