Left of the Dial – A View from the Aisle – by Mike Stampalia

Left of the Dial = View from the Aisle – Mike Stampalia

“Tickets, please.”

The (most likely) elderly person wearing the (most likely) white shirt is one of the first people you encounter when arriving at a seated show. What’s your reaction? Gratitude? Annoyance? Indifference? I’ve been an usher at a couple of our local venues, and I’d like to share some of the things I’ve learned from “working the aisle.”

First off, in most cases, ushers are a requirement. Most venues have safety codes that require a certain number of ushers in order to legally host a show. No ushers means no show. Generally speaking, venues can’t afford to pay all those people, so they rely on volunteers. That person in the white shirt gets exactly zero dollars for being there, so maybe cut them a little break.

Ushers are not Security; those are two different things. So if you’re one of those guys hellbent on picking a fight with Security (and there are way too many of you), ushers are not your target. We can actually be very helpful, beyond just helping you find your seat. Some of the things I might know about any given show:

• Venue hints, if you’re unfamiliar with it. (Quickest women’s bathroom facilities, how to get in and out quickly, etc.)
• When each act (including openers) will take the stage, and when they will finish
• If there’s an intermission, when it will happen, so you can get a jump on the crowd
• If an artist is going to come out in the crowd, or if there is a particularly big pyro effect (good for pictures), I generally know what song that’s going to be.
• If an artist is going to come out to sign merchandise after the show
• Etc.

“Yeah, but why don’t you make that asshole in front of me sit down?”

Here’s the most misunderstood thing by concertgoers, in my opinion. Most of the policies for any given show come from the artist. Not the venue, certainly not the usher, but the act you paid good money to see. And first amongst them is this: artists generally prefer people to stand. Yes, even in the front row. Yes, even though you “paid good money for this seat, and now can’t see a damn thing.” To most artists, the standers are the good guys, and they want more of it.

If I’m all up on your skirt because you’re taking a video, it’s because the artist specifically asked us to do that. If you’re late for a quiet show, and I’m holding you at the door so I can seat you in between songs without disturbing everyone else, it’s because the artist has asked us to do that. If you’re using your flash, well, you’re just an idiot because I don’t need the artist to tell me how annoying that is (but they do). If you want to get mad at someone, get mad at the artist.

“Do you have to check my ticket every time? Don’t you remember me?”

Okay, at a big venue like SPAC, the answers to those questions are “yes” and “no,” respectively. And I think you probably know that. It doesn’t matter that you “know where you’re going,” part of what I’m doing is ensuring that only properly ticketed people are getting to the right sections. So yes, even though you’re just coming back from your ninth beer run, I still need to make sure you’re holding your ticket and haven’t given it to someone else. And, no, I don’t remember you because I’m trying to look at thousands of tickets as quickly as I can by flashlight, I’m not really looking at your face. Make everyone’s life easier, just have your ticket in hand when you walk up. This too is the way the artists want it to be. Yes, even Phish. Even the Dead.

“If the seat’s empty, what difference does it make if I move up?”

First of all, it’s not at the discretion of the usher. We have supervisors watching us. We let you through, and we get in trouble. But more importantly, this is (again) driven by the artists. No matter how big of a superfan you think you are, they don’t want you up front unless you’ve purchased one of their (very expensive) “VIP packages.” Again, don’t get mad at me, get mad at the artist. (There are exceptions of course, and when they say they’re okay with people coming down, we let you come down.)

Some other bits of unsolicited advice I might offer:

• The biggest mistake concertgoers make is missing the opening act(s). The second biggest mistake they make is not paying attention to the opening acts. Do. Not. Miss. Openers.
• For the love of Clapton, put your phone down. Nobody is ever going to want to sit through your shaky, shitty video. All you’re doing is annoying everybody. Put the phone down and enjoy the show. You paid good money for it.
• If you’re wondering when it’s okay to use flash, the answer is “when you’re alone and it’s pointed at your own face.” Turn that shit off.
• Are you one of those “witty people” who feel the need to talk to the artist in between songs? You should know that the whole theater is cringing around you, and the artist is hoping his Security guy is going to punch you in the face. (Yes, even if he laughed). Shut. Up.
• Jazz and Blues crowds are the best behaved. Hip Hop can be bad, but Country are the worst behaved by a (Country) mile. Metal shows are much more well-behaved than non-metalheads think they are.
• When it comes to concerts, smaller is almost always better
• Be nice to people. The people around you, the staff, security, and yes – even the ushers. You paid good money for this experience – don’t forget to enjoy it.

And if you need anything, ask an usher. They’re there to help.

By Mike Stampalia.