Giraffe Poop & The Art of Jewelrymaking

Giraffe poop.

Do you have anything to declare? If you’ve ever traveled abroad, you may see this is any of the many questions asked on your way to or from being a global citizen. If you’ve never been out of the country (me), you see this as a time to declare your allegiance to the cause, declare your love to that special someone, or further waste Customs’ time. But of the travelers, one woman in Minneapolis has to declare her crap – well, the giraffe crap that she picked up in Africa.

I don’t know anything about the mystical power of giraffe deuce, but maybe, just maybe there is. She claimed she was going to make jewelry out of it. Which makes me wonder how hard really is giraffe poo? Rea physics here, folks. Giraffes eat plants, so I’m figuring that their “makes” are probably just big versions of hamster turds, right? They’re not exactly soft, but they’re not exactly diamonds, either. Was she going to glaze the turds or something?

The funny thing, though, is that you are allowed to bring giraffe turds here with the proper permits and inspections. You might think this is excessive bureaucracy placed on the lowly scat, but this scat can cause a number of diseases, including African swine fever, classic swine fever (which God switched back to after public outcry over the “new swine flu”) Newcastle disease, foot-and-mouth disease and not to mention swine vesicular disease (no idea how bad that is, but it sounds bad.)

They got rid of the book, the specialists whose job details, among others, is getting rid of poop that tourists bring home.

So what is it about giraffe poop jewelry? Is this a thing? Well, I googled it, and all I came up with were a hundred news websites covering it. What’s the matter, New York Post? You got nothing better to do?

I think I’m going to get a rabbit and start making beaded wrist bands.

More from Liam Sweeny.