High Fines and Misdemeanors

High Fines and Misdemeanors – by Liam Sweeny.

Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? For like what? Ten over? Maybe fifteen? How about ninety in a fifty-five?

Yeah, I know, that’s really not unheard of with everybody in such a damn hurry to get nowhere special (yeah, I’m the guy that usually does the speed limit.) So ninety in a fifty-five is bad, but not “choking on your soup” bad. But imagine chocking on this little potato square; you open the citation, and it says the fine is $1.4 million.

Yeah, this happened to a guy. Connor Cato, of Savannah, Georgia. Because he was basically letting his cat drive while he sat in the passenger seat smoking meth. No, he didn’t do that, but he did get a $1.4 million dollar fine.

Or did he?

See, cause he called up, and they said he owed it, and had to go to court. So that’s the other ventricle blowing the wall. When he got there, he found out that in cases thirty-five over or above, the judge has to see the scofflaw and set the fine themselves. $1.4 million is a placeholder amount.

Man, just when you want some fine print, right? It’s like getting one of those phony million-dollar checks from the sweepstakes, only in full reverse.

The court said they didn’t have that amount on there to scare people into coming to court but come the ‘f’ on. Of course they did. They were standing around a table trying to figure out a fake number, and someone said, “let’s go high. Let’s go damn high.”

I wish I could feel bad for this guy, but ninety in a fifty-five? Really? C’mon, you don’t need to go that fast, not even in the hammer lane. So you know what? Maybe telling jerkoffs like this that they owe over a mil is just desserts, right? Maybe they’ll save that energy for the racetrack.

More from Liam Sweeny.