Fred the Pig – Criminal? Or Just Misunderstood?

Fred the Pig – Criminal? Or Just Misunderstood? by Liam Sweeny.

Disorderly Conduct. Vandalism. Jaywalking. These “quality of life” crimes make our neighborhoods not so chill, and we have to call on the dedicated members of law enforcement to ensure that justice is meted out to these scofflaws.

Fred is 400 to 600 pounds, no lie. They don’t even have a scale to weigh him. And all of the above he had engaged in in Aurora, Colorado, which local station Denver7 called a “multi-day crime spree.” And it was not, I repeat, not easy to catch Fred. He did not go willingly.

Well, Fred’s a pig. Like, a real pig, not a “goose the waitress” kind of pig. So it really wasn’t much for law enforcement to do, except take reports and issue tickets, which, upon receiving them, Fred promptly ate.

Can an animal such as Fred go on a “multi-day crime spree”? Can they commit crimes in the first place? There are two kinds of answers, one from people who’ve never had a pet beyond a hamster or fish, and one from people who’ve had dogs and cats.

Hell yeah, they can commit crimes. When Bubba walked by my TV table, and, mouth like a lumbering shark, scarfed up my ribeye, he knew damn well what he was doing. He’s giving me the sad eyes while the ribeye’s still in his mouth. My cat obstructs traffic every day, and she don’t bother with sad eyes. And when she’s on my keyboard, typing ybblfjbslrjls, no remorse. We should be glad our pets don’t have opposable thumbs, ‘cause some of them would walk around the living room strapped.

So Fred, here’s to you. And to Denver7, we applaud your due diligence in correctly identifying criminal behavior, even in the absence of wallow and slop. And to the Aurora Police, to the endless tickets you had to write and the carpal tunnel received from such, go visit Fred in the pound where you can grill him.

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