Baby Names

Baby Names – by Liam Sweeny.

I had it easy; most of us did. My mom and dad had ideas for what to name me when I was born – almost a Jon Eric. But my dad had the name ‘Liam’ kicking around in his head, mom dug it, and Liam Sweeny is who hammers all the right keys. Hi!

Some people agonize over names, and no one more agonizes than the high and mighty; the royalty. And while it is true that Elon Musk names his children names that, in public school, would find them the butt of all jokes, his naming issues are nothing compared to Spanish couple Fernando Fitz-James Stuart and Sofia Palazuelo, They have titles, and as such, when naming their second daughter, they hit a conundrum. Lots of notables in the family tree.

Who to include in her name? Right, because if my uncle was Warren Buffet, my kid might end up McDonald’s Buffett Sweeny. And maybe McDonald’s would sue me, or maybe they’d give my kid a lifetime supply of hot apple pies. But still, he’s gonna end up a Rothschild Vanderbilt Gates Buffet… Sweeny.

Meet the child of Fernando and Sofia: Sofia Fernanda Dolores Cayetana Teresa Angela de la Cruz Micaela del Santisimo Sacramento del Perpetuo Socorro de la Santísima Trinidad y de Todos Los Santos.

I should mention that we’re also talking about 18 times duchesses an whatnot, as if this name needed to me more murky.

Yeah. Funny thing, funnier thing is that according to Boletin Oficial del Estado (their Department of State, I guess,) that name is not legal. It’s too long. They actually have a law about how long a name you can give your kid. I think that this law is one of the bolts that keeps the matrix in place.

I’m tempted to have a kid for the sole purpose of seeing how long I can get that name. That is Spain, a land known for making sense. And this is America, the land of supersizing. I bet I can get a name that fits perfectly inside the decayed husk of a tweet.

More by Liam Sweeny.