Rocky Mountain Eugenics – The Weird Side of the Internet
Written by Staff on March 25, 2024
Rocky Mountain Eugenics – The Weird Side of the Internet – by Liam Sweeny.
Sometimes the strange shit is directly from the AP. That’s the legit stuff. Not the “skunk with a head in a jar” stuff that passes for weird news, but the real, actual weird news. The stuff that fills your head with whimsy… or terror, whichever satisfies your dopamine fix. But this story is somewhere in the middle of all that.
We’ve been breeding animals for their good qualities ever since the first wolf took a chance on a fire and a hairy primate holding up a grizzled mammoth bone. It happens. We’re probably out here breeding ourselves for good qualities. And by and large, we’ve benefited from that, becoming good solid citizens with mortgages and receding hairlines.
Most of us aren’t exactly “hands on” with evolution, but eighty-year-old Arthur “Jack” Schubarth is all over the petri dish. At issue here? Sheep. Big sheep, or the search for big sheep. Like 300 pound sheep with five-foot horns; meet the Marco Polo argali sheep. And maybe you know the Rocky Mountain Bighorn sheep. Go ahead; look them up.
The crime? Cloning these massive sheep, and artificially inseminating common ewes with not-so-common DNA. Schubarth, in search of gigantic sheep to hunt, has been crossbreeding sheep for about ten years. The game is simple. Get some tissue here, some testicles there – I mean, this is real turkey baster stuff. And then, when you end up with a Frankensheep, sell it to hunters, who then put it on some reserve to hunt.
Me, I’m not a big fan of hunting a defenseless animal. I’m not against hunting, I just want it to be a somewhat fair fight. Instead of cloning them to be big, Schubarth should’ve cloned them to be able to handle a 30-06. Let’s go out in the woods; let the best species win. Okay, so that’s extreme, and easy to say for a guy who rarely leaves his house, bur I do think putting a sheep in an enclosed space to hunt is shitty, and my friend, hunter, and citizen of heaven Les Bristol would’ve smacked this guy. Just saying.
Moral of the story? If you can’t finish your Rocky Mountain Oysters, this guy will probably pay you for the doggy bag.
His court date is July 11th, because wouldn’t you know, playing God is illegal in the state of Montana.
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