Dive Bar Perfume – The Weird Side of the Internet

Dive Bar Perfume – The Weird Side of the Internet – by Liam Sweeny.

I always loved Miller High Life. I don’t think I ever drank that beer when I was a kid; my parents were Gennesee Cream Ale people and that’s what they partied with, so that what I got to sneak. But I liked the idea of Miller High Life. It was the “high life.” It was something to attain, a different station in life, a party of the most glamorous jet set types. I was six, okay?

But now Miller High Life is offering something just a little bit glamorous – a perfume. This is one special fragrance, designed to replicate the smell of your favorite dive bar. It has infusions of cedarwood and patchouli, tobacco and leather, sea salt and, to make the Miller High Life smell, Champaca. The other infusions replicate the bar, the stools, and the bar fries.

Sixty bucks a pop, and they’re out of stock. But what else does it smell like? Does it smell like that drunk who gets overly familiar with you the moment you walk in the door? Does it smell like Last Call slim pickings? They should add a bit of copper and Mercurochrome to bring in the bar fights, and what are they going to use to recreate the puke?

I gotta wonder who really is going to wear this perfume. I mean, dive bars are awesome, don’t get me wrong, but would you really want to smell like one? And unless they were extremely sparing, it’s just going to smell like patchouli, because everything that patchouli touches smells like patchouli.

This is going to be the new heroin chic, isn’t it. Tell me this isn’t going to be the new heroin chic. We’re going to have models on runways with those beer hats with the hoses. And some jerkoff craft beer guy is going to put every one of those ingredients into an IPA and walk around like he just invented dive bars.

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