Big Brother in Your Bum – Happy New Year!

Big Brother in Your Bum – Happy New Year! – by Liam Sweeny.

You know, this is the thing. Big Brother is Watching You. That used to be a subversive thought, dare it be spoke in seedy bars by guys with cigarette shakes. Yes, that brushed-steel, monolithic sentinel, that Wizard behind the machinery. But now it’s like “Hey make sure you put on your coat and galoshes, Big Brother is watching. It’s just a “nothing” thing to say now, and I’m sure if there is an actual Big Brother, he’s pretty pleased with himself.

It’s just that every day, Big Brother knows something else about you. And you know I’m going somewhere with this, so now, Emergency Room Big Brother knows what you put in your rectum.

They’ve always known, right? Have they ever kept track? You could make a rectum exhibit in a medical museum. Probably could put that exhibit anywhere. And in that exhibit would be the following things:

• Nails
• Screws
• Baseball (“to see what it felt like”)
• Uncooked pasta
• Egg
• Dog chew toy
• Dryer sheet
• Sandal
• Doorknob
• Marbles
• Eyeglasses
• Rock
• Beard clippers wrapped in plastic (“was feeling constipated for two days”)
• Turkey baster
• Plastic cleanser bottle full of liquid
• Shampoo bottle (“slipped in the shower”)
• Shampoo bottle (“was bored”)
• Lubricant bottle
• Enema bottle
• Aerosol can
• Dental pick
• Wine stopper
• Corn cob holder
• Highlighter
• Invisible marker
• Two pencils
• Magic wand toy
• 7-inch dildo and pliers (used in an attempt to remove the dildo)
• Broken piece of butt plug and tweezers (used in an attempt to remove the plug)
• Film canister
• Battery-powered light
• Flashlight
• Plastic coat hanger (modified so they could still drive to the ER)
• Penny
• Light bulb, glass side first (“suction effect” reportedly pulled it in)
• Vape pen
• Corncob-style pipe
• Rubber gasket
• Piece of nose hair trimmer
• Rectangular travel toothbrush
• Baton
• Hair tie

And just so I don’t have to actually go to the ER, the following things are or have been inserted into my rectum:

• The national debt from 1986.
• The timeline where the Mets won the 2000 Subway Series.
• A wrapped piece of Bazooka Joe bubblegum
• An underground poker game.
• A box of swizzle-sticks, unopened.
• The first mother joke.
• A small little ER.

And that’s about it right there.

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