Wienermobile – When You Need a Wiener and None Is There

Dagnabbit! But what’s the opposite of that word, nabbit? Because we need that word, let’s call it “nabbit” to announce that all good sense and sanity has finally prevailed in our twisted world. The Oscar Mayer icon that weaves its way through the highways and byways of this great land is once, and truly called… the Wienermobile.

Of course, this wouldn’t be news if they hadn’t screwed with it in the first place. It’s barely news now, but I’d really be sawing at the branch I’m standing on with that statement. No, in their infinite wisdom, Oscar Meyer, after eighty-seven years of fielding a Weinermobile decided to rename it a “Frankmobile.”

What kind of shit is that, am I right? It lasted four months, so for four months, we didn’t have Wienermobiles. Did they stop to consider what would’ve happened if we had a wiener emergency during that time?

What people don’t realize about the Wienermobile is that it’s a tactical response unit. Barbecues get out of hand sometimes, and people don’t prepare. The Weinermobile responds to over 57,000 barbecue emergencies everywhere. It has a hose for dispensing ketchup, a wiener cannon that can eject 120 crispy wieners per minute, and a mustard slick that shoots behind the vehicle when its being chased by foodies.

But for four months, this piece of critical equipment sat around with its frank in its hand.

A little birdie told us that the “Frankmobile” went back to the “Wienermobile” because of a lawsuit by one Frank Wienerson, who sued for infringement. In that landmark case, all supermarket cooler franks must now be called “Frank Wienersons.”

We were lucky we didn’t have a barbecue emergency this summer. Because the Frankmobile is out, the Wienermobile is back in, and young children can once again be awestruck when they’re on the way to summer camp and the pride of the national fleet passes by.

Story by Liam Sweeny.