Sausage Vending Machines – Just the Wurst

Sausage Vending Machines – Just the Wurst – by Liam Sweeny.

We need a vending machine in the office here, I’m telling you. We need a German vending machine. In Germany, according to my eagle-eye reporting, they have vending machines that sell the wurst food – bratwurst, knockwurst, bockwurst, bestwurst and worstwurst. And all it takes is a quarter.

Can you imagine anything taking only a quarter in a vending machine? So whatever is the German equivalent for twice what it costs in the store, that’s how much you pay to get delectable German meats right outside your dormroom.

And you think they’re done? Oh no. Milk, eggs, cheese, potato salad – all machineable.

The justification here is that some areas are so rural, it doesn’t make sense to open up a whole store, so let them get a machine. It’s the self-checkout of the German meat and dairy industry.

So you gotta ask yourself how many people can justify having a butcher on hand? How many pigs per day can a small German village eat? And just how often will they be getting out the wurst of the wurst, the spoiled milk and eggs?

I really think they should also dispense antibiotics just in case. Maybe toilet paper.

I am a sucker for convenience. I’ve got a coffee maker in my office, with powdered creamer and a one pound bag of half caff (if you drank as much as I drank, you’d understand.) But I feel like I’d rather look a butcher in the eye (round) and know that knife hasn’t been washed in three hours than having to hope a mechanized slicer has been washed in the last month. I in no way want to see a chick hatch out of an egg box in one of those machines. Although they could then sell it as chicken. What is baby chicken called? Has some asshole aten it and came up with a name, like veal?

Can’t we go back to simpler times when Japanese girls sold their panties out of vending machines?

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