St. Nicholas – Santa’s a Zombie

St. Nicholas – Santa’s a Zombie, by Liam Sweeny.

Nothing can irritate some people more than an over-enthusiastic yard decorator throwing the Christmas stuff out before Halloween. I suspect this is because in a world of gottahaveits, Christmas is an onerous burden to anyone with a shopping list, which is pretty much everyone. But a little piece of news out of Turkey may prove our early festives have it right all along.

They found Santa’s grave. Santa, is, in fact, a ghost.

Well, Saint Nicholas is a ghost. Maybe. He may have retired from ghosting at this point.

St. Nicholas Church, in Demre, Turkey. They were digging up a beautiful mosaic floor because the world doesn’t make sense and ruining beautiful shit is just what we do now. Anyhoo, they found, beneath the mosaic, a shrine to the church’s namesake, and a casket (sarcophagus?) that they believe houses the bones of jolly Saint Nick. They didn’t open the casket yet, because they’re waiting for someone that can do it right, like archaeologists. And, to their credit, they did say they want to take it easy on the mosaic. Apparently, it’s historically badass.

It would make sense that St. Nick would be buried at his church, but in the Crusades, when Saints bones were just slung over knights’ shoulders and carried around the world, it was believed that St. Nick’s bones were brought to Italy, where they have been ever since. So some poor schmo has been venerated in Italy for a millennium.

So who was Saint Nicholas? He was a 3^rd Century Greek bishop, known for generosity, especially with kids. His thing was leaving little gifts for the people in his life. I’m assuming on the down-low because I give people shit all the time, and I’ve never been invited to tear ass on a sleigh.

Yes, Saint Nicholas was the inspiration for the Dutch Sinterklaas, which of course became the High Jolly One.

So the next time you see Santa out in October, know that he’s a ghost. And one night a year, he’s a zombie.

More from Liam Sweeny.