Pepto Pond – Hawaiian Mystery

Written by on November 21, 2023

Pepto Pond – Hawaiian Mystery – by Liam Sweeny.

There are signs of the apocalypse. Locusts, boils and the McRib coming back to McDonalds, but one of the telling ones is a river running red. Once you see that, you know that humanity has gotten on the lit end of God’s fuse.

But what about a pink pond?

A wildlife refuge in Hawaii has just such a pink pond. Turned pink, not always pink. The Kealia Pond National Wildlife Refuge on Maui first noticed an outlet pond turning bright-ass pink on the day before Halloween. They think they know what’s causing it, a single-celled organism named Halobacteria, but they can’t be absolutely certain. They say that this bacteria can thrive in highly salinated water, and drought has caused just such a thing. But they don’t know for sure, not just yet. They need to test the DNA, which takes a hot minute. So we are, right now, free to guess.

My guess is that God’s just half-pissed. Like he’s annoyed. Like when your kids are doing dumb stuff, and you act like you’re going to get up, just to keep them in line – like that. God’s probably sick of Dancing With the Stars by now, and maybe He got caught up in the Pacific Ocean’s garbage while He was fishing for tuna (I don’t know what you fish for in the Pacific.)

Maybe it isn’t God, but maybe instead the Barbie movie opened up a rift in spacetime to Barbieland. Maybe Oppenheimer helped. Maybe Barbenheimer was a force too great for physics. I wonder if we can get someone to take a dip in it, see where they come out when they resurface.

I am betting that someone has already drank this water, despite all good sense and survival instincts would say nah. Someone has drank this stuff, someone out there. Maybe, just maybe, they had some gas and thought it was Pepto.

Somebody let me know if the McRib is back yet. I’ll get my rosary ready.



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