Super Pigs Coming This Way (Eventually)

Written by on December 17, 2023

Super Pigs Coming This Way (Eventually) – story by Liam Sweeny.

I recently wrote about Pablo Escobar’s “cocaine hippos,” which are an invasive species in Colombia. Long story, follow it here. Well, God, or “providence” saw my interest and led me down an unusual path. A path that ends in bacon, and the apocalypse.

Canada is soon to have an export that it’s not going to make bank on – pigs. No. Super pigs. Like the hippos, they are an invasive species. Unlike hippos, they’re headed our way.

See Canadian farmers were encouraged to farm wild boars in the 80s. Yeah, it was a crazy time. But the market turned to mud in 2001, and a lot of the farmers just cut their losses – I mean, their fences – and let the wild boars be truly wild.

Problem is that a lot of the wild boars bred with the regular European pigs, who were, you guessed it, were in love with the bad boys. And little known fact, if you mix the survival skills of a wild boar with the reproductive power of a regular old pink pig, you have a very intelligent, elusive, near-indestructible porcine beast.

You think I’m kidding, or maybe dabbling in hyperbole, but this is absolutely legit. These super pigs are 600 pounds, can survive in -50 degrees, and can elude hunters by becoming nocturnal when the guns come out.

By 2019, the Canadian government has given up on eradication, going instead for containment. And there really isn’t anything stopping these super pigs from checking out the Adirondacks. Imagine hitting a 600 pound pig driving a dark highway? These things weigh as much as bears. Put it this way, if you want to dispose of a body, you only need one of these big boys, instead of the customary three.

Six hundred pounds is a lot of bacon, just saying. I’m going to need about fifty pounds of lettuce and tomatoes.


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