Holiday Bonus Spud

Written by on December 29, 2023

Holiday Bonus Spud – by Liam Sweeny.

Christmas is over, thank the Sweet Lord, pass the clamato. But as you know, the best stories need time to filter out. And this is basically a Christmas story, kind of like Die Hard. Also kind of like Rambo: First Blood (yeah, look that up.)

Do you like potatoes? I’m okay with them. Mash ‘em up, a little butter and half and you got something. But I wouldn’t want to get one as a gift. Now if you believe memes, which I do, you’ll know that you can just mail someone a potato without putting it in anything. Consult a physician before trying this.

I wouldn’t want to get a potato as a gift. But imagine getting a potato as an office holiday bonus? Yeah, that’s the story. Amanda J. Panda (obviously her real name) got on X and told us all about her Scroogey office, which assigned this year to be “potato bar year.”

Yeah, that’s right. Her employers gave her, and everyone else so employed a potato with sour cream. And get this; because they valued the potato at $15.00, she had to pay tax on it out of her check!

If I’m going to get a $15 potato, it’s going to be at Applebee’s, and at some point in the night, my shirt is coming off. Man, basically they charged her for the holidays. What if she was allergic. She was asked this and she made a good point. “Anyone who is giving a potato does not care about anyone or anything.”

So I know you have questions. How do you tax dodge a potato? I know I’m asking that question, because I damn sure ain’t letting Uncle Sam get a single chive. There has to be some write-off here. Maybe she can bring it to the office everyday, fight to make it an emotional support potato. Maybe when she’s having a bad day, she can eat that three-month-old potato and catch some food poisoning. Worth a day off.

And if she’s okay to quit, she can throw a little syrup of ipecac into the potato’s gaping maw and claim the job poisoned her. That would be foul, but… C’mon, they gave her a potato for Christmas, they drew the line, not her.


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