Peril at the Donut Shop

Written by on January 12, 2024

Peril at the Donut Shop – by Liam Sweeny.

Some of our fears are absolutely unrealized, because the odds of them happening are so slim, we just don’t think to walk around phobic about them. But Paul Kerouac recently got bit in the ass, almost literally, but a deep, but unclassified phobia, one he didn’t have until he sat down on a toilet in a central Florida Dunkin’ Donuts (I think it’s just called Dunkin now, don’t sue us.

Okay, so the following is not a crack on Dunkin. I love Dunkin coffee, and this could’ve happened anywhere. So the guy, Paul, Mr. Kerouac, possible related to the late beat writer Jack Kerouac, was “on the road” and he stopped at his favorite stop, Dunkins, to get his morning fare (no idea what time it was.) He felt the urge, and let’s just say that of the top ten most odious tasks an average person may be called upon to do in ordinary time, sitting on a public toilet is probably number 7. So he prepares his dissertation on waste treatment, and…

The toilet exploded. Yup. Kablooie. His cheeks were assaulted with a barrage of everything you can imagine a toilet can contain. Funny thing was that, in addition to the two things I don’t have to mention here, his lawyer stated that he was hurt by ‘debris.’ So toilet paper. But I hear that word, and I’m thinking of a tornado, and splintered wood and sheared siding. In this case, probably baby wipes, which you’re not supposed to flush down the toilet, no matter what it says on the package.

So his lawyer is trying to get $100,000. Or two large iced coffees, which might be the better deal. I guess they knew about it.

You see the whole frat prank of throwing cherry bombs down toilets, but nobody’s sitting on them. I think I did see something exactly like this happen to Lieutenant Howard Hunter on Hill Street Blues. I don’t remember him suing the department, but he probably would’ve sued the diner down the street if it had happened there.

I feel real bad for Paul Kerouac. He will never have an easy time on the twosies.



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