Simian Medicine – The Weird Side of the Internet

Simian Medicine – The Weird Side of the Internet – by Liam Sweeny.

An orangutan in a park in Indonesia did a remarkable thing, possibly redefining our understanding of the differences between ourselves and our distant cousins. The issue here is pain. Not that they were in pain, we’re all prisoners in that cage. But they did something that we didn’t know orangutans were capable of doing: it applied medicine to itself to heal a wound.

Now we should start by saying he put a chewed-up leave on his cheek. In the pantheon of stupid pet tricks, it wouldn’t even have made honorable mention. But the only primate known to be able to heal themselves using the outside world are you and me. Granted, chimpanzees have on occasion been known to chew on leaves to cure upset stomach, but my cat chews grass for the same reason I think, so that’s not much of a feat.

Is pain relief so universal that no matter the species, they will find a cure for what ails them? I have bigger questions. If we let them go heal themselves, will then eventually dig up the carcasses of their fellows and take anatomy lessons with a sharp rock? And then what? I mean, how would they be as doctors? Would they treat humans or would they be limited to veterinary licenses? I mean I know an orangutan-run clinic wouldn’t be an ideal place to get your A1C checked, but maybe the copay is like five bananas? What if they actually ran a tight enough ship to snag a Medicare contract?

I love it when animals do human things unexpectedly. I would so much rather an orangutan use medicine to heal a wound than a computer algorithm make a layoff decision. Maybe the orange-haired cuties will replace us in the evolutionary footrace, but they’re the tortoise and we’re the hare.

By the way, the orangutan actually healed itself. And a massive hedge-fund came it, patented the tree that grew the leaves and is now selling it in pill form to all the zoos.

More from Liam Sweeny…