Wet Totes – The Weird Side of the Internet
Written by Staff on June 19, 2024
Wet Totes – The Weird Side of the Internet – by Liam Sweeny.
We don’t do politics here. We just don’t. Half of you are red and half of you are blue, and if we start food fights, we’re going to get mashed potatoes all over our bundles of papers. So yeah, not us. But that does not keep political shit from being truly odd and bizarre, and hilarious. So bear with me, and I’m going to take us to the Vermont legislature.
I’m not going to mention the parties involved, mainly because this situation could’ve been switched around easy enough. So, just think that the person aggrieved was on “your side,” and the aggriever was on “the other side.”
So let’s call the guilty party Jane Carpetbagger. Probably not a carpetbagger, but I’m thin on old-timey political slang. Jane has, over the course of five months, been pouring glasses of water into the tote bag of John Muckraker (I know, that’s a journalism term, but whatever.) For five months. So John Totebagger has been getting his bag soaked for five months, a bag he continually kept on a peg in the same hallway for said months where it would get periodically soaked by Jane BaggerVance. And then John gets a DUI, and suddenly he’s getting a soaking every day.
One, I have to wonder what he kept in that tote that he didn’t mind leaving it in the same place every day to get doused. I hope it wasn’t the Vermont state budget or the algorithm that determines the “random” Vermont State Lottery drawings (does Vermont have a state lottery? You be the judge.) So after five months, he finally puts a camera in and catches Jane FakePromises pouring a glass of water in his tote.
So Jane apologizes publicly and does not say why she did it. But would you? And would you even apologize? How can you feel remorse over something you’ve been doing for five months? I wouldn’t apologize if I didn’t feel sorry. Unless it was some bizarre compulsion, like I only had one foot in reality and I thought John PorkBarrel was trying to grow something in there. I might explain why I did it, maybe, and let the state legislature decide if I should have to apologize for it. But they are talking restitution, so there is a slim but finite chance that Jane BabyKisser will have to pay out the entire Vermont state budget for the fiscal year.
RadioRadioX