New Christmas – The Weird Side of the Internet

New Christmas – The Weird Side of the Internet – by Liam Sweeny.

Man, the world is whacky. Spirit Halloween started swooping into stores in what, August? We’re past Halloween right now, and it isn’t barely the high noon of September. I see the autumn cinnamon broomstick in the pharmacy, and apple cider and pumpkin spice coffee are now staples at our local Stewarts shops. This is the time when people have an eye to the holidays and businesses have an eye to everybody’s wallet.

But in one country, Christmas will come early. By decree. Let’s go to Venezuela, a nation whose politics makes ours look pretty humdrum. I’m not covering the politics. Don’t care; I had to turn down seconds of our own slop. But I will say that when President Maduro was facing a sharpened eye over the election, he declared that Christmas would come early for the South American country – on October 1^st.

Can you imagine just being able to do that and people don’t laugh in your face? I’m sure a lot of Venezuelans are laughing in his face. But some are earnestly wondering if they’re going to get the Christmas bonus.

I declare that Thanksgiving is going to take place the same day that the Superbowl is on television, that way people will have a badass meal to go with the game. What else, what else, what else… how about we put Valentines Day in August, so couples in love can wear far less clothing? Mother’s Day will officially be in July, because that’s when mom was born.

This is fun. I guess I going to go down to Venezuela and have some election hijinx, screw with the calendar a bit.

To be fair, Jesus wasn’t born in December. He wasn’t born in October either, but that’s beside the point.

One parting declaration: I declare tax day to be on February 30^th.

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