Pill Pusher Stands Up – Florida Man

Pill Pusher Stands Up – by Liam Sweeny.

Welcome to the world of The Villages, a multi-county retirement home, one of the biggest in the country. I’ve never been there, but they’ve got everything probably. Backgammon, walking trails, pools, and a guy for your penis.

That’s right. Reginald Kincer, 77, a folkloric figure who, upon his arrest with eighteen-hundred dollars of off-brand penis pills (yes, I know, erectile dysfunction medication, whatever) received a federal charge. And a standing ovation. Until some of the pills wore off, then it was a lying down ovation.

People in The Villages don’t want him arrested. He’s providing a valuable service to the sprawling retirement community. He hung his shingle by the tennis courts with a friendly “howdy do” to the fellas and a “How’s your penis?” And he cared.

He’s really just the guy who brings liquor to the punch bowl to make it a party. The love notes are already written, he’s just helping distinguished suitors refill their pens.

So he’s looking at a year in federal prison for having eighteen-hundred dollars’ worth of penis pills. Off-brand penis pills, because if they were the brand-name stuff, we’d only be talking like 3 pills. 2 pills and a copay.

If you think this story is gross, shame on you. Older people have sex. Or they want to. They ain’t no different than us; just like we use coffee to put lead in our pencils every morning, they use baby blues to do it every night. And older people are literally unencumbered from doing the dance. No slipping one past the goalie, you know? So let older American have their fun. Free Reginald Kincer. Let him sell those pills you confiscated and but himself, what’s eighteen-hundred buy, a bag of groceries? Let him get oysters and expand his enterprise.

So yes, indeed, hats to Reginald Kincer, the pusher-man of The Villages.

More from Liam Sweeny.