Observations and Ramblings – an Xperience Column

Observations and Ramblings from a Cranky Old Guy – an Xperience Column – by Jeff Spaulding.

Here’s a question to those who made New Year’s resolutions, in particular to lose weight/get in shape/new year new you crap? It’s now March, if you haven’t been sticking to the routine go back to Five Guys and ditch the light beer. No one will be judging you, at least on that.

While we’re talking about “staying healthy”, my observations and ramblings will be on going to the gym. Honestly, prior to The Great Heart Attack and Bypass Crisis of 2020, I was never in one. Those who know me and see what I look like can attest to that. However, one tends to change their attitude when facing the possibility of assuming room temperature at age 64. To quote my favorite Stooge Curly Howard, I’m too young, I’m too beautiful…well I’m too young.

I got started while in the hospital with what they call Cardiac Rehabilitation. That’s where they work on getting the ticker stronger by helping you use muscles you forgot to use since you had your first alcoholic drink. While it was a challenge, I actually got to like it, and made a promise to myself to get a gym membership upon graduation. I joined the “Globe of Health” (sorry, no free plugs) and started experimenting. It was a little tough going on a regular basis with work and all, but retirement has really opened me up. Now I usually go three days on and a day of rest, rinse and repeat. It’s really helped a lot, I don’t quite LOOK in shape, but the arms and legs have gotten stronger (the Buddha Belly remains my friend) and I feel amazing.

Now, I want to share with you some of the types of people I see at the gym. Let me clarify I am not knocking anyone, especially since some of these mutants can drop me with a glance. I’m just talking about stereotypes. Let’s start with the Roid Rage Maniacs. They are easy to spot, their muscles are typically bigger than my head. They love to fist bump and high five EVERYONE. I have seen some guys kiss their “pythons” (brother) which tells me they don’t date a lot. They also “shine” a lot, and not from sweat. They’re oiled up more than a KFC Family Meal Deal.

Let’s go in the opposite direction, people like me. Clearly when you look at us, we don’t look the gym type. It is a “No Judgement Zone” after all. In reality, these people make me feel SO much better,

knowing every one of them could whoop my ass in a Sumo Wrestling match.

Then there’s the Talkers, the Social Butterflies, the Pains in the Patoot who want to talk about anything, especially while you’re working out. I don’t go to the gym to chat, I don’t go to the gym to gossip, that’s what Facebook is for. Why pay for a gym membership when you just want to chat? If you’re lonely, get a dog.

Next up, Equipment Hogs. They take five minutes on a machine, then take twenty minutes on their damn phone telling people how hard they are working out while the only muscle they use is the one that uploads their selfie. Meanwhile I want to use that piece of equipment but don’t want to make a fuss, just in case they’re packing heat.

How about Old Guys? I appreciate these Senior Citizens (remember I am one) who want to extend their lifetime but have some self-respect and acknowledge your real age. When you work up a sweat, it’s not pretty seeing the hair dye run down your face like you’re Rudy Giuliani.

Finally, let’s have a word about the Locker Room. There are many things that should not be seen in public. A naked body, especially an old and out of shape one (and I don’t mean mine), must be at the top of the list. Ever see old and wrinkly oranges at Price Chopper? Put arms and legs on them and you’ll get it. And for the love of God, please don’t flex while you are naked. Some things shake that shouldn’t, and remember, if you do, the shower is just like the pool, one word, shrinkage.

Here’s to your health, now cover that thing up with a towel.

Be hearing you

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