Kit Kat Twelve – The Weird Side of the Internet

Kit Kat Twelve – The Weird Side of the Internet – by Liam Sweeny.

You heard about the stolen KitKat bars, right? Of course you have. It’s old news. Juicy old news; well, crunchy old news; well, crunchy and… stop. Old news. But I’m obligated to go on at length in this light diatribe because I, friends and neighbors, Romans and countrymen, I have but one favorite candy bar, and it is KitKat. So we are going to analyze this sophisticated crime.

First, you have to know what was heisted. The report says 413,793 KitKat bars were stolen. This should tell us that the theft had begun long before the truck disappeared. 413,793 KitKats? Why no even number? They don’t sell odd numbered KitKat bars. Somebody was pinchin’. So we don’t really know how many were stolen and how many were pinched. Guess we’ll have to rely on the police report.

But there’s another, much larger issue at play here. Kit Kats are filled with a paste that is made from Kit Kats that didn’t make the cut. So Kit Kats are made of Kit Kats which were themselves made from Kit Kats and on and on. What this means is that an infinite number of Kit Kats was stolen in Italy, on its way to Poland, and at any point along route, an interdimensional chocolate portal may cause astonishment and will most definitely cause sinkholes.

I just can’t imagine driving off in a truck containing that much chocolatey goodness. You could eat every day until the beetus gets you. You could build structures out of that many Kit Kats. And yes, of course you could sell Kit Kats on the black market. Imagine if you’re the guy, you know, the Kit Kat guy. Think he walks around like he’s a badass right now, like he just performed a powerflex.

Because he did. He sure in the hell did.

 

 

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