Stories
Page: 35
2 Million Dimes – by Liam Sweeny. We in America use the English System for measurements. As opposed to damn near the rest of the world, who has gone metric. It doesn’t make much sense using the metric systems with its ten millimeters to a centimeter and its ten centimeters to a decimeter and its […]
Ferrisburgh – The Vermont Bird Artist. By Liam Sweeny. When it comes to the question, “what is art?” I’m a universalist. Everything that can possibly be determined as art, that’s how I call it. Money is small lithographs. A brick is shaped. An old house’s plumbing – well, that really is a work of art, […]
48 Oysters – Who Pays? by Liam Sweeny. Dating is complicated. Not the two people getting to know each other part; that’s been complicated too, but we’ve had millennia to practice it. I’m talking about who pays. In the past, the men paid, always. But in the past, women weren’t as much a part of […]
Fred the Pig – Criminal? Or Just Misunderstood? by Liam Sweeny. Disorderly Conduct. Vandalism. Jaywalking. These “quality of life” crimes make our neighborhoods not so chill, and we have to call on the dedicated members of law enforcement to ensure that justice is meted out to these scofflaws. Fred is 400 to 600 pounds, no […]
St. Nicholas – Santa’s a Zombie, by Liam Sweeny. Nothing can irritate some people more than an over-enthusiastic yard decorator throwing the Christmas stuff out before Halloween. I suspect this is because in a world of gottahaveits, Christmas is an onerous burden to anyone with a shopping list, which is pretty much everyone. But a […]
Pepper X – by Liam Sweeny. I like hot food. But I’m a normal person. Sort of. I like hot food that I can enjoy. No, I don’t think mayonnaise is spicy or tangy, but I tend to stop, in my casual eating, with jalapeno. I know, Ooooo. But I just like a little zip. […]
Cattelans Banana – Eating It, by Liam Sweeny. A banana. Some duct tape. A wall in an art gallery. A take on global trade and comedy? Maybe? Or maybe just a snack to a hungry South Korean student. You may have heard of Maurizio Cattelan, the artist responsible for a 24 karat gold toilet seat […]
High Fines and Misdemeanors – by Liam Sweeny. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? For like what? Ten over? Maybe fifteen? How about ninety in a fifty-five? Yeah, I know, that’s really not unheard of with everybody in such a damn hurry to get nowhere special (yeah, I’m the guy that usually does the […]
Pill Pusher Stands Up – by Liam Sweeny. Welcome to the world of The Villages, a multi-county retirement home, one of the biggest in the country. I’ve never been there, but they’ve got everything probably. Backgammon, walking trails, pools, and a guy for your penis. That’s right. Reginald Kincer, 77, a folkloric figure who, upon […]
Sausage Vending Machines – Just the Wurst – by Liam Sweeny. We need a vending machine in the office here, I’m telling you. We need a German vending machine. In Germany, according to my eagle-eye reporting, they have vending machines that sell the wurst food – bratwurst, knockwurst, bockwurst, bestwurst and worstwurst. And all it […]
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